That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
