I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
