I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
