so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
