Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
