there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
