You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
