yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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