dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
