Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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