Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
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