i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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