i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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