I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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