i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
So squirting runs in the family.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
