My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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