all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
