I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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