dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
