i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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