dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
