I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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