neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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