my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
