i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
