I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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