Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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