I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
