Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Jerry, you need to find god
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
