Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
