i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
