But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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