I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
