plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize