All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.