You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
