When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
