You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He better not be in your backpack
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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