Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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