you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
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