lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
