If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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