You smell like a Billy Joel song
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
