the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
two words: eviction party
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
