No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
