also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
