Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
