Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
