my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
