When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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