Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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