Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
