Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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