in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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