The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
not ubering you a puppy
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
