I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
