After last night, I could never be a politician.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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