The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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